


Scaramouche, Scaramouche!

by SlytherinHowl



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And them being chaotic dumbasses, Canon? No we don't do that here, Carolyn is a monster who doesn't like Bohemian Rhapsody, F/F, Family Bonding, Kenny is alive because I say so, No Plot/Plotless, Poor Kenny is bullied by everyone, Road Trips, That's right they are my murder family, This is just wish fulfilment, Villanelle is a baby who loves Bohemian Rhapsody, and fluff, carpool karaoke, just crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:47:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25082611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinHowl/pseuds/SlytherinHowl
Summary: Neither Eve nor Villanelle, Konstantin, Kenny or Carolyn knows how they ended up driving to the Lake District, but they did. Hijinks and loud singing ensue.ORVillanelle gets really into Freddie Mercury. Carolyn isn't amused. Eve is.
Relationships: Carolyn Martens/Konstantin Vasiliev, Eve Polastri & Kenny Stowton, Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova, Kenny Stowton & Villanelle, Konstantin Vasiliev & Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	Scaramouche, Scaramouche!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> So this is my first incursion in the Killing Eve fandom after binge-watching the show and falling in love with the two useless gays that are Eve and Villanelle. This being the first fic and specifically a fic that has no plot and is just stupidity and crack with my five babies (in the beginning it was going to be just Eve, V and Konstantin, but I love Carolyn and Kenny so much I decided to add them to the murder family), I bet everyone is OOC or at least acting like a child. I hope to improve once I get a better feeling of the characters. Also, this was supposed to be funny. Is it funny? Probably not, but it's 2:00 AM here and my two brain cells told me to post it anyway. I hope you can crack a tiny lil' smile with this, it's really exciting for me to come into a new fandom and start writing for these awesome characters :)

"Remind me again of why I agreed to this," Carolyn drawled out while Konstantin slipped into the driver's seat with a grin on his face. She heard the doors opening and closing and the sounds of three other people getting in the car.

"Because it's nice to be together! To have some family time, darling," Konstantin said, turning his head to look at Eve, who was trying to stop Villanelle from pinching Kenny's cheek. "Villanelle, behave! You will smother the poor boy to death!"

Villanelle huffed and retreated her outstretched arm back to her lap. "You're no fun, Konstantin," she said, kicking the back of his seat petulantly.

"Why do you listen to him and not me?" Eve asked her girlfriend indignantly.

"Because he will punish me if I don't."

"I can _punish_ you too, Villanelle," Eve said, with emphasis on the 'punish' as to make her meaning clear to the younger woman.

"Oversharing, Eve," Kenny muttered, still trying to put as much space between himself and the former assassin as he could, even though his friend was sitting between them. 

"Sorry, Kenny."

"Family, you say? There's no family here," Carolyn said, fixing Villanelle her best death glare through the rear-view mirror.

"Whoa, Carolyn, no family here? Kenny is not your son, then?" Villanelle shot back with a smirk and a cocked up eyebrow, but Eve knew she was being serious. For all her apparent uncaring and hedonistic behaviour, V was very fond of the young man sitting in the car with her.

"That's not what I meant," the older woman spluttered. Both Eve and Villanelle turned to look at Kenny, who shrugged in his signature 'I'm used to it' way.

"Poor Kenny, his mother doesn't like him," V said and tried to pinch his cheek again.

"Leave him alone," Eve hissed, keeping Villanelle's hand clasped tight on her lap.

"Of course I like him!" Carolyn exclaimed. There, Villanelle found a gap in the older woman's well-constructed iron facade.

"Hey, hey, hey. We don't like our family all the time," Konstantin chirped in, briefly looking away from the road to give Villanelle yet another death glare for annoying his lover? Girlfriend? Significant other? Fuck buddy?. "We love them, but we don't like them. It's like me and you, Villanelle. I love you, but I don't like you. You are a pain in the ass."

" _You_ are a pain in the ass!"

"Ok, children, enough," Eve said, this time trying to stop Villanelle from kicking the back of Konstantin's seat again.

"Yes, let's just enjoy the ride with your funky Russian uncle -"

"Who is a criminal," Carolyn whispered as Konstantin talked.

"- your too-cool-for-school, smartass Russian girl -"

"Who is also a criminal."

"- your clever little agent -"

"Who is most likely a criminal, too."

" - your shy tech wizard -"

"Who I sincerely hope is not a criminal, although I doubt all his computer meddling is legal."

"- and your very cool, very scary Head of the Russian desk at the MI6," Konstantin looked at her with a fond grin, having heard everything she'd been muttering. "Who is very much a ruthless war criminal."

"I will not comment on that."

Eve, Villanelle and Kenny shared a meaningful look, all raised eyebrows and incredulous little smiles. A bit more prodding in their weekend getaway to the Lake District and they might even get Carolyn to confess a few things. Konstantin, wanting to break some of the stunned silence that befell the car, turned up the volume of the radio.

"Is that Backstreet Boys or *NSYNC?" Kenny asked out loud when a random song started playing through the speakers.

"It's shit," Villanelle stated.

"It's not shit! It's Backstreet Boys and I like it!" Eve protested.

"You like shit, Eve."

"It's not shit!"

"It is."

"It's not!"

"It totally is."

"Ok, ok, let's change the station," Konstantin said, messing with the buttons on the car radio.

"Oh, this one sucks!"

"I like it."

"It's bad, Kenny!"

"I'm changing it again!"

"Not Ed Sheeran!"

"There's nothing wrong with Ed Sheeran, Eve."

"Yes, there is! His songs are bland and mushy! I can't believe you like him, Carolyn!"

"She is full of surprises, trust me, Eve."

"Ed is an agreeable young man and he has a nice voice."

" 'Agreeable young man?' What are you, Carolyn, Mr. Darcy?"

"Wait, you've read 'Pride and Prejudice', Villanelle?"

"I'm not dumb, Kenny."

"Well, if Ed's song is going to cause this much discourse you might as well change the station again, Konstantin."

"Bohemian Rhapsody! Everybody likes Bohemian Rhapsody!"

"I don't."

"So you like Ed Sheeran but you don't like the best song ever?"

"It's not the best song ever."

"Of course it is, Kenny! It's a masterpiece!"

Their heated musical argument was interrupted abruptly by the loudest, most off-key rendition of the iconic Queen song any of them had ever heard.

"I'M JUST A POOR BOY, I NEED NO SYMPATHY," Villanelle yelled, startling the other passengers of the car.

"Change it again, Konstantin. I'm not having her sing a frankly oversung song."

"BECAUSE I'M EASY COME -"

"Stop it, Villanelle."

"- EASY GO. LITTLE HIGH -"

"I mean it, you are a terrible singer and this song is a bad choice."

"LITTLE LOW. ANYWHERE THE WIND BLOWS, DOESN'T REALLY MATTER TO MEEEEEEE -"

"TO MEEE!" Konstantin bellowed, sharing a laugh with Villanelle.

Neither Eve nor Kenny could hold back their snorts, especially not when Villanelle dramatically swung her arms above her head and put on a sad face before the next verse.

"Mamaaaaaaaaa, just killed a maaaaaaaan. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he's dead-"

"That line takes on a whole new meaning when it's sung by you, V."

"Sing with me, Eve. You said it was the best song."

"No."

"Please!"

"No!"

"Pretty please?"

"No, Villanelle."

"Please! Kenny?"

"Don't look at me."

"Please! Please please please please please I'll stop reading your texts over your shoulder if you sing with me."

Kenny looked at Eve, then at a laughing Konstantin, Then at his mother, who rolled her eyes and then at Villanelle and her ridiculous, charming smile. The poor boy sighed. "Mama, oooh oh ooooh, I don't wanna die -"

"I SOMETIMES WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL!" Villanelle and Konstantin finished off for him and swiftly started playing air guitar.

"Hands on the wheel, Konstantin," Carolyn scolded.

For the first time, Eve considered the absurdity of the situation she found herself in. She was inside a car with a high ranking MI6 official, her son who used to work for Eve, a former handler for the Twelve and a wanted assassin, who just happened to be Eve's girlfriend. Going on holiday to Carolyn's cabin in the Lake District. Listening to Bohemian Rhapsody. Far too many feelings mixed themselves up in Eve's head, but in the end, all she could do was smile and...

"I SEE A LITTLE SILHOUETTO OF A MAN!"

"Not you too, Eve."

"You're no fun, Carolyn," Villanelle jabbed, to what Konstantin, Eve and even Kenny agreed.

The four very dissonant, pitchy and off-key voices drowned Carolyn's complaints out. She shook her head while they seemed to have the time of their lives, but her severe stare lacked some of its bite. Indeed, she wasn't a very fun person, or a person to have fun very often. In fact, it had been a very long time since the woman had cared so little about anything other than a bad Freddie Mercury impression. The truth is that she was amused at that mismatched group of people, she felt light and carefree for the first time in many, many years.

Maybe Konstantin was right. Maybe her family could be four non-related people who committed crimes with varying degrees of severity. Together.


End file.
